i'll have what he's having
last night in my sleep i was at a picnic. the sun was low, as it was at last year's fete, and dogs were playing in the cool grass. buffs was in a tight pink polo, serving drinks from a long, ice-filled bin. "what'll you have, l.i.t.?" he asked. "a natty light," i say. at least i think i say natty light. i might also order a vodka tonic, i don't remember. buffs looks at me askance and hands me a can of something. the aluminum is sweating. i crack it open, take a drink, and all my blood surges to my face.
even as i take my first drink in almost two years, a funny thing happens. i make amends to buffs, something done only in AA's ninth step. i apologize to him and everyone in the blogosphere for not showing up with integrity. for pretending everything was OK when it wasn't. i say i want to live differently, but i keep drinking, and everything looks fuzzy...
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i don't write much about my AA life here, even though that's why i started this blog. i wanted someone to be able to google "sober law student" and find a voice out there. after all, there are lots of lawyers in the program. AA's founder had been a lawyer and corporate dealmaker. same with AA's third member. sober lawyers back East helped get me off the bottle, and a sober law student here welcomed me to Boulder. so i wanted to be here, 'case anyone else needed this deal.
still, i struggle sometimes trying to live a sober life, one that involves being there when i'm supposed to and refusing to feed off my own excuses. two years ago, i remember driving back home one morning, jittery and high, while everyone else in the neighborhood headed off to work. "how'm i ever gonna do this differently?" i thought. fast forward to last night, when i got a letter from my summer job. they asked me to show up at 8:30 the first day. my face instantly flushed, just like in the dream. "how the hell am i gonna do that?" there will always be a part of me that finds "normal" life unfathomable. but god keeps putting me in places where i've got to be up to the task. i kick and scream like hell, but usually if i just show up and do basic stuff, it turns out better than i'd imagined.
that said, i've got to take contrary action this week. i would love nothing more than to hang out in this enticing blog world and blow off work. i'm really most comfortable when i'm deepest in denial. but the work is there and needs to be done. and i've got to show up for it.
so, i'm taking the next week and a half off. i say this not b/c anyone cares, but b/c i've got to keep the promise to myself. so here's wishing you all the most that anyone could wish: the confidence of finishing finals with integrity, the satisfaction of a tough task done, and the bliss that comes with being divorced from the results.
even as i take my first drink in almost two years, a funny thing happens. i make amends to buffs, something done only in AA's ninth step. i apologize to him and everyone in the blogosphere for not showing up with integrity. for pretending everything was OK when it wasn't. i say i want to live differently, but i keep drinking, and everything looks fuzzy...
-----
i don't write much about my AA life here, even though that's why i started this blog. i wanted someone to be able to google "sober law student" and find a voice out there. after all, there are lots of lawyers in the program. AA's founder had been a lawyer and corporate dealmaker. same with AA's third member. sober lawyers back East helped get me off the bottle, and a sober law student here welcomed me to Boulder. so i wanted to be here, 'case anyone else needed this deal.
still, i struggle sometimes trying to live a sober life, one that involves being there when i'm supposed to and refusing to feed off my own excuses. two years ago, i remember driving back home one morning, jittery and high, while everyone else in the neighborhood headed off to work. "how'm i ever gonna do this differently?" i thought. fast forward to last night, when i got a letter from my summer job. they asked me to show up at 8:30 the first day. my face instantly flushed, just like in the dream. "how the hell am i gonna do that?" there will always be a part of me that finds "normal" life unfathomable. but god keeps putting me in places where i've got to be up to the task. i kick and scream like hell, but usually if i just show up and do basic stuff, it turns out better than i'd imagined.
that said, i've got to take contrary action this week. i would love nothing more than to hang out in this enticing blog world and blow off work. i'm really most comfortable when i'm deepest in denial. but the work is there and needs to be done. and i've got to show up for it.
so, i'm taking the next week and a half off. i say this not b/c anyone cares, but b/c i've got to keep the promise to myself. so here's wishing you all the most that anyone could wish: the confidence of finishing finals with integrity, the satisfaction of a tough task done, and the bliss that comes with being divorced from the results.
posted by legally intoxicated at
9:02 AM
1 Comments:
Tight pink polo, serving Natty Lights. Funny how I can actually see myself doing this. But pink is a fickle color--only a couple 2Ls I know wear pink, and I find it very questionnable. You have to be a really squat, ripped frat boy to do it, and even then it doesn't sit right.
Best of luck with finals.
By
Buffs, at 4:02 PM
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