goodbye, fear.
the title is written wistfully, with a period. if it had an exclamation point, it would be like mary tyler moore throwing her hat in the air and grinning: "goodbye, fear! we're gonna make it after all!"
alas, i'm kinda sad mine is gone. cuz fear used to be the great motivator. i was terrified everyone would think i was a schmuck--or (mon dieu!) imperfect--so i tried real hard. if i was afraid of mediocrity, i had to be better than everyone. and i couldn't be sure unless you told me, so i got real good at soliciting comments, too.
(i'm sure you've all seen this movie:
girl: omigod, i am so... fat
girlfriends: omigod! you are so not! you're, like, a size negative zero!)
so fear made me miserable and miserable to be around. it was definitely there when i started law school. i remember talking to some hapless classmates during the first day of orientation, not-so-slyly listing my achievements and doing my best to get feedback. (omigod, my LSAT scores were sooo low!) but somehow, after those first grueling weeks, the fear dissipated. maybe becuase i realized i couldn't out do 172 other type-A personalities, maybe because the professors saw through my big-word bullshit. by second semester i was totally withdrawn, unable to show up for class or do more than 3 pages of reading an hour. if i wasn't going to be at the top of the shitpile, i was gonna get buried underneath it.
after two months, i came out of my stupor, and the fear was gone. at that point, just getting through first year would be a major accomplishment. so i did, and it didn't kill me. i was just "showing up and doing the deal" as the AA folks like to say. and i'm making it through second year, looking a hell of a lot more like the sloppy drunk that i am. in a word: i'm half-assing my way through the rest of law school.
still, i miss the sting of fear sometimes. i just finished a major project, and my heart barely raced. i didn't come up with any new theories or magic bullets or miracle cures. it was very average work. and the responses were: "eh."
i miss the smug, if brief, thrill of victory. but if i'm long for this world, that's not my lot anymore. a wise woman told me my highest aspiration now is to become a worker among workers. fair to middlin. 50th percentile. because that's where satisfaction really rests.
i guess. because for all my fumbling, i'm pretty happy. i just wish happiness was occasionally shot through with glory.
alas, i'm kinda sad mine is gone. cuz fear used to be the great motivator. i was terrified everyone would think i was a schmuck--or (mon dieu!) imperfect--so i tried real hard. if i was afraid of mediocrity, i had to be better than everyone. and i couldn't be sure unless you told me, so i got real good at soliciting comments, too.
(i'm sure you've all seen this movie:
girl: omigod, i am so... fat
girlfriends: omigod! you are so not! you're, like, a size negative zero!)
so fear made me miserable and miserable to be around. it was definitely there when i started law school. i remember talking to some hapless classmates during the first day of orientation, not-so-slyly listing my achievements and doing my best to get feedback. (omigod, my LSAT scores were sooo low!) but somehow, after those first grueling weeks, the fear dissipated. maybe becuase i realized i couldn't out do 172 other type-A personalities, maybe because the professors saw through my big-word bullshit. by second semester i was totally withdrawn, unable to show up for class or do more than 3 pages of reading an hour. if i wasn't going to be at the top of the shitpile, i was gonna get buried underneath it.
after two months, i came out of my stupor, and the fear was gone. at that point, just getting through first year would be a major accomplishment. so i did, and it didn't kill me. i was just "showing up and doing the deal" as the AA folks like to say. and i'm making it through second year, looking a hell of a lot more like the sloppy drunk that i am. in a word: i'm half-assing my way through the rest of law school.
still, i miss the sting of fear sometimes. i just finished a major project, and my heart barely raced. i didn't come up with any new theories or magic bullets or miracle cures. it was very average work. and the responses were: "eh."
i miss the smug, if brief, thrill of victory. but if i'm long for this world, that's not my lot anymore. a wise woman told me my highest aspiration now is to become a worker among workers. fair to middlin. 50th percentile. because that's where satisfaction really rests.
i guess. because for all my fumbling, i'm pretty happy. i just wish happiness was occasionally shot through with glory.
posted by legally intoxicated at
8:55 PM
1 Comments:
the good news is that if you decide you don't want to practice law, you could always have a career in publishing. very well thought out, well stated posts thus far. i'm impressed. and a little jealous of your writing ability.
By
Jaded, at 7:11 PM
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